Ramdon quotes never used on Bleach
by xX Charlie Purple Xx
Summary: What do you think the Bleach characters say when they arent shown on screen? Click here to find out! loL
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: These were just some of the funny things that i thought would be said between bleach characters if the were alone.**

**hope you enjoy ^_^**

* * *

Mayuri: A person, who smiles in a crisis, has found someone to blame.

Renji: If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Kenpachi: It's not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

Yachiru: After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting _out_ if the water?

Ikakku: What goes around, usually gets dizzy and falls over.

Aizen: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Tousen: How is it that "fat chance" and "slim chance" both mean the same thing?

Byakuya: Any system that relies on human reliability, is very unreliable.

Yachiru: If it isn't one thing, then it's another…unless it's neither.

Yumichika: If time is on our side, then what's on the other?

Yamamoto: Those of you who think you know everything, are very annoying to those who really do.

Nemu: I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Ikakku: There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who cant.

Urahara: Hard works never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Unohana: It is generally agreed that "hello" is an appropriate greeting, because if you entered a room and said "goodbye" it would confuse a lot of people.

Rukia: For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

Ichigo: Computers make very fast, very accurate, MISTAKES.

Kenpachi: If your not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.

Orahime: If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Chad: Beware the letter "G." It's the end of everything.

Yoruichi: I do visit reality, although it's on a tourist visa.

Ishida: A sphere really is a pointless shape.

Urahara: If you try to fail and succeed, which have you really done?

Kenpachi: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Renji: A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Yumichika: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Nemu: It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the molecular level; I'm really quite busy.

Ichigo: If genius is one percent inspiration, and 99 percent perspiration, I end up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

komamura: In dog years, I'm dead.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This was suppose to only be a one-time deal, but since people have been asking me to make more, I guess I will! ^_^**

**hope you enjoy this one! **

* * *

Yachiru: What do you do if you just saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Kenpachi: If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who was the idiot who said," Quit while you're ahead."

Ikakku: Are people just BORN stupid, or do they have to work at it?

Renji: How does one actually zip their lip?

Byakuya: How is it even possible to have a CIVIL war?

Rukia: Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" If we're already there?

Ichigo: Why is the man who INVESTS all our money, called a BROKER?

Nemu: Why are they called stands, when they are made for sitting?

Yachiru: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Ishida: If you got into a taxi, and the driver started driving backwards, would that mean he owes YOU money?

Ichigo: Isn't it a bit unnerving that what my dad does is "practice"?

Mayuri: Why are there 5 syllables in the word "Monosyllabic"?

Yumichika: I'd like to help you out. Which door did you come in?

Urahara: No one can drive us crazy unless we give him or her the keys.

Orahime: 7/5 of all people don't understand fractions.

Tousen: The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

Aizen: The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Yamamoto: don't worry much about what other people think. They seldom do.

Unohana: Solutions are not the answer.

Ishida: 1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.

Kenpachi: Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Mayuri: Nemu, always remember. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Soi fong: Who's crude idea was it to spell lisp with an "S"?

Zangetsu: What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

Zabimaru: Is it a good thing if a vacuum really sucks?

Nemu: Electrons are very, very small, but they can gang up and hurt you.

Yachiru: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Mayuri: Why do scientists call it Research, when they're looking for something entirely new?

Yumichika: Anything is possible, if you don't know what you're talking about.


	3. Last One People

**A/: Hey guys! I have come up with another one. I dont think these ones are as good as my first one, but my friend jannet still thinks their funny!**

**they seem to be getting shorter though. dont know why though.**

**enjoy! ^_^ **

**

* * *

****Nemu:** If the universe is everything, and scientists say its expanding, then what is it expanding into?

**Rukia:** How do they get the ship into the bottle?

**Tousen:** If blind people wear sunglasses, then why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

**Mayuri: **If this saying didn't exist, then someone would have invented it.

**Soi fong: **when someone says, "You know what they say," who are THEY?

**Ishida: **Why don't psychics win the lottery?

**Yachiru: **Why get even, when you can get odd.

**Nemu: **before they invented the drawing board, what did people go back to?

**Ikakku: **I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self help section?" But she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

**Kenpachi: **If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

**Rukia: **Why is a boxing ring, square?

**Kenpachi: **Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

**Renji: **do you need a silencer, if you're going to shoot a mime?

**Yachiru: **If white wine goes with sushi, do white grapes go with fish?

**Ichigo: **if Wal-Mart has lower prices everyday, why isn't anything free yet?

**Yumichika: **why is it, when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

**Ikakku: **Can closets get claustrophobic?

**Komamura: **Why are their multiple FINAL FANTISIES?

**Kenpachi: **If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why are their still apes and monkeys?

**Unohana: **If you get scared half to death twice, will you die?

**Mayuri: **Why is abbreviation, such a long word?

**Nemu: **Why is it, when a door is open, it's ajar. But when a jar is open, it isn't a door?

**Yachiru: **How come when you go from here to there, you're still here, and not there?

**Rukia: **My friend wanted me to meet him tomorrow, but he said I did show up. When he asked me why, I told him, "Because it's today."

**Byakuya: **How can one person be DIRT poor, but another is FILTHY rich?

**Kenpachi: **I love deadlines. I really love the "Wooshing" sound they make as they fly by.

**Yumichika: **It doesn't count as lost, if we dont know where we're going.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: OK. so I finally gave into the temptation. I'm going to continue these until me and my friends run out of things funny to say.**

**these were actually really ming blowing when we first came up with them. so. enjoy!!!**

* * *

**Ikakku:** "Boom, bam, sploosh! U know what that sound is Yachiru!?"

**Yachiru: **" The zits on your shoulders popping?"

**Ichigo: **" You're a BFF! A big fat fatty!"

**Renji: **"Well you're a BFFL! A big flabby faced leopluroudon!"

**Orahime: **" I like you. You're a funny girl."

**Nemu: **" …"

**Mayuri: **" So. how's the weather in Kenpachi land?"

**Kenpachi: **" Oh, it's sunny, with a slight chance of SHUT UP!"

**Ikakku: **"I feel so beautiful!"

**Yumichika: **"That's a shocker…"

**Yoruichi: "**Look at me! I'm a baby seal!"

**Soi fong: **"More like a baby idiot…"

**Bartender: **" What'll it be?"

**Aizen: **" Ultimate destruction of the Gotei 13!!!"

**Gin: **" To work along side the most powerful man alive!"

**Byakuya: **" So Aizen wants power, and Gin wants to share? Sigh. I'll take a drink please."

**Rukia: **"How many licks does it take to get the center of a tootsie pop?"

**Motsumoto: **" Well. It all depends on how you…Wait. Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?"

**Ichigo: **" You aren't leaving until you agree with something!"

**Renji: **"Well then. I agree that you're ugly!"

**Yachiru: **"AAAAAAAAH!"

**Kenpachi: **"What's wrong!?"

**Yachiru: **"Nothing. I kid, I kid."

* * *

**A/N: I know it wasnt very long. but i swear i will try and remeber some of the things me and my friend pez come up with.**

**these are actually all things we came up with together.**

**or more acuretly. said to eachother.**

**Ps. the first one is my fave!**

**lol ^_^**


	5. Kenpachi

**A/N: **Anyways. I was thinking. me and my friends got together around my computer, and were thinking about things that bleach characters would say, and we came up with spacific things.

so from now on, I'm most likely going to be writning them as each individual story, for each person i deem worthy. you can even ask me to make them for a sertain person you've had on your mind if you like.

please review.

wont know what you think unless you do!

^_^ hope you enjoy.

* * *

"Can you run 486 mile per hour? If not, you better hope your head is bullet proof!"

"I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?"

NOTE: If you laugh at this, I get to have sex with you…

'Yeah I'm crazy… if by crazy you mean awesome!!!"

"People like you, are the reason people like me, need medication."

"Wipe your mouth. You have just a little BULLSHIT on the corner of your mouth."

"Well that's not a good sign…"

SIGN: BAD.

"I just want to do you…is that so bad?"

"All I need are some minions."

"I have the cloak! I make the fucking whoosh noises!!!"

"Some times I get real depressed…then I remember that you have huge boobs, then I feel MUCH better!"

"I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to stick me head that far up my ass."

"I may be a cruel heartless bastard…but I sure am good at it."

"Happy thanksgiving. Please don't think of me when you're crappin it all out."

* * *

YAY!!!

I hope you liked them!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Yay!!!!!**

**i'm sorry i haven't been updating but i'm kinda sick.**

**plus school, and science fair crap, and my wrestling career.**

**so...Hope you enjoy!!!**

I may not be Santa, but you can still come sit on my lap.

* * *

Kenpachi:

**Yachiru: **They shook you when you were a baby, didn't they?

**Ikakku: **Friends are just like slinkies…they're really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

**Soifon: **Control your jealousy bitch; because I cant control my temper.

**Unohana: **If Tylenol, duct tape or a band-aid can't fix it… you've got a serious problem on our hands.

**Renji: **Has anyone ever noticed that "studying", is "student" and "dying" put together?

**Rukia: **Who needs big boobs when you've got a perfect ass?

**Renji: **If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, confuse them with bullshit.

**Yachiru: **I wouldn't trade you for all the cookies in the world.

**Kenpachi: **Feel safe at night…sleep with a hot nurse.

**Ikakku: **If people really learned from their mistakes, there'd be a hell of a lot of geniuses.

**Matsumato: **My life is a very complicated drinking game.

**Unohana: **Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics.

**Kenpachi: **Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.

**Yachiru: **You are 90% of the reason I get up in the morning. The other 10% is because I have to go pee.

**Nemu: **Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"…And then it hits me.

**Yumichika: **I wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "Hey, I'll pull on these dangly things, and drink whatever comes out of them."

**Mayuri: **I tried being normal, but found I didn't like it.

Unohana: Here's all you need to know about MEN and _WOMEN_. MEN are stupid, and _WOMEN_ are crazy. And the reason _WOMEN_ are crazy, is because MEN are stupid!

**Urahara: **Of coarse I'm going to drive…I'm too **DRUNK** to **WALK**.

* * *

**A/N:By the way you guys.**

**i'm not gunna update anymore unless you give me ideas on what you want to happen to this ok?**

**im kinda lost as to what i should do.**

**so if you want to see it continue, please tell me.**

**thanx!!! ^_^ **

**-Charlie.**


	7. Help me!

**A/N: I'm really sorry you guys!!!**

**i cant think of anything!!! i have......**

**_writers block_**

Dun Dun Dun

**please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**give me suggestions to finish this.**

**and thank you to _sonar _for the ichigo saying.**

**i slightly switched it up.**

**^_^**

* * *

CHRISTMAS EDITION!!!

**Soifon: **Dear Santa, I'm just writing to say that YES, I have been naughty this year. And I'm proud of it, you fat judgmental bastard.

**Kenpachi: **Hey. Wanna watch ½ a movie with me?

**Ichigo: **The day I realize I've had enough of Christmas, is the day I start farting out "Jingle Bells".

**Ikakku: **Here. Have some fruitcake. It tastes like crap.

**Yachiru: **If Christmas is a time for giving, you guys need to give me more stuff.

**Yumichika: **I need a new mirror for Christmas. Ikakku broke my last one.

**Unohana: **I hereby ban Christmas. Too many people are getting run over by reindeer.

**Kenpachi: **I can be your Santa, and you can be my naughty elf.

**Mayuri: **All I need for Christmas is a scalpel.

* * *


	8. Another Chapter!

**Renji:** Hold on, I can't hear you! Let me turn down my AWESOMENESS.

**Yoruichi: **PLEASE, don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself Ichigo.

**Yachiru**: Friends are like potatoes…if you eat them…they DIE.

**Mayuri: **Don't sweat the petty things…and don't pet the sweaty things. O_o

**Ichigo:** When life gives you lemons, squeeze it into some ones eyes and haul ass! :)

**Nemu: **I'm the type of girl who walks into chairs and says sorry.

**Soi Fong: **My friends are cooler than giraffe. And giraffes, they're cool.

**Kenpachi: **I used to be a relatively nice person, but this world beat that right the fuck outta me.

**Rukia: **Byakuya, I smile because you're my brother. I LAUGH because there's nothing you can do about it.

**Orahime: **Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where did my ceiling go? 

**Tousen: **That which does not kill me, had better run pretty damn fast.

**Renji: **Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities are cheaper.


	9. finally! chapter 9!

**A/N:** Hola guys!!! here is a new bleach!!! lol

* * *

**KENPACHI:** that's like you slapping your dick on a table and having someone say, "that looks like a penis, only smaller."

**KOMAMARU**: only 1 thing has maintained its deliciousness over the years…

**TOUSEN:** black people?

**YACHIRO: **Hey baldy, how many pickles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

**IKAKKU: ** I don't know…how many?

**YACHIRO:** you idiot, pickles don't work. You have to use your hands.

**UNOHANA: ** I love 'chicken soup for the…soul' books. Don't you?

**RUKIA:** no. They never tell you how to get the soup.

**SOIFON: **hey, come with me to the desert bar. I don't wanna look like a douche bag.

**MATSUMATO:** honey, its way too late for that one.

**KENPACHI: ** hey! Who dares me to break that new recruit's nose? Ah just kidding. You don't need ta dare me.

**MAYURI:** apparently Ichigo fell out of a car and broke his nose.

**NEMU:** was it moving?

**MAYURI: **…-_-

**BYAKUYA: **ok Yachiro, I want you to do this simple math problem.

**YACHIRO:** oh that's easy, 9*9 is 42. =D

**BYAKUYA:** I see…we have a lot of work to be done.

**GIN:** who wants cookies!!!?

**RANDOM:** Noooooooo!!

* * *

**A/N:** I am sooooo sorry that i havent updated!!! you guys must hate me... TToTT but i am back baby!!! i had an awesome summer with my sister. and if you wanna see where two of these quotes came from, its on a youtube vid called 'antichrist therapy'. its by deadtv9 and im in it!! well, the bloopers that is. lol but i hope you enjoy this, and ill be looking to update soon!!! =)


	10. thank you readers

**NEWS UPDATE!!!!!**

* * *

**Hey guys. I just wanted to say, thank you to all the people who have been dedicated to me and read with me through this all. Lol**

**I always love to see that people the same and new have looked me up and read my stuff.**

**I know its prolly just cause its bleach, but still. Im glad that so many people think my writing is funny, cause I have 3,687 views from you guys! You left me 40 reviews and I have 41 faves. Now im guessing that, 40 of those reviews was done each by 1 person and someone was feelin a little lazy, which I already know is not true, lol but 41 separate people adding me to faves? I feel so loved. **

**Again, thank you for being so loyal, and I might have a rough time updating. School season and all. Im gunna be a sophmore!! My freshman days are over! =)**

**But I hope you guys keep reading and reviewing, and I will update again soon! Hopefully. **

**see ya!!  
**


End file.
